I love my alone time.
That space around me when there is nobody around, i can do anything and just be.
I could stay lost in my thoughts and no one would ask me why, or what am i so serious about.
I knew that being around people was difficult and draining for me long before i came across the term introvert and learnt about introversion.
I had to learn to safeguard my alone time.
I learnt to value my solitude a lot more, which was good when I wasn’t in a relationship.
But since i committed myself for this relationship, i struggled to balance between alone time, spending time with him and family time.
There are times when i really need time alone, to be away from everyone that it would become a kind of urgency for me — just leave everything and everyone and go be alone.
And i have left desperately quite a few times.
99% of all our fights in the last year had been circling about the struggle between me wanting alone time and him wanting us to be together more.
We did make up after every fight, but i struggled to find a balance.
Since my trip to Bhutan, something has changed within me. I cannot yet pinpoint what it is, but something has changed.
There is acceptance.
There is openness.
There is ebbing of ego and no insistence of wanting things to go the way i expect.
But most of all, there is no struggle for solitude.
That made me thinking — How much alone time do we really need? And more specifically, What exactly is solitude?
Does solitude mean blocks of time being totally alone in a specific room or space?
In retrospect, i had set the image and expectation of my alone time too high. Solitude for me meant being alone in my room for the whole day or sometimes days, but even more than that, it was that urgency that i struggled to cope with.
It was the urgency to escape situations.
Escape. I was prone to escape and avoid situations and called it wanting to be alone.
But now, as the sudden urgency to escape has left, i understand the true meaning of solitude.
Solitude is being able to enjoy the alone moments we get. There are plenty if we don’t constantly look for them.
Solitude does not mean trying to escape or avoid situations that we don’t like or that are difficult bcoz we don’t want to deal with people.
No. Solitude is just that — the sweet pleasure of being alone for moments.
If you’re struggling to find such moments in all the busyness and tiredness, remember that it’s not the struggle but noticing such moments of solitude that makes them sweeter.
Don’t try to escape from situations. Face the situations; and also find, observe and notice those few moments when people around you leave you alone. Struggle and escape are definitely not the answer.
Let these alone moments find you. Let them delight you.
Like walking in a garden and you suddenly see butterflies around you.
Discovering something unexpectedly brings more delight than struggling and trying to find it.
There are plenty of moments fluttering around you.
Let them delight you.
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